Annette was bright, smart, and enthusiastic. Even so, whenever she approached customers in the furniture store where we both worked, she seemed unable to strike up a conversation with them. They would invariably mumble something like, “We’re just looking” and head off to get lost among the labyrinth of bedrooms. Annette would make a few more half-hearted attempts to connect with them, usually getting a last glimpse of her customer as they walked out the door. In many cases, she never really even got to speak with them at all. She was frustrated, hurt, and a little worried about her sales performance. She should have been. Her inability to connect with her customers was killing her commissions.

We talked about what was going on. She knew the words to use. She had the scripts memorized. It didn’t seem to be a technical issue. As our conversation continued, however, she let out a little hint that helped me uncover the real problem.

“Annette, tell me about what’s going through your mind when you walk up to a customer.”

Annette looked at me, puzzled. “What’s that got to do with it?”

“Just humor me,” I said, “tell me honestly what you are thinking about in the 5-10 seconds you spend before you actually meet your customer and start talking to them.”

She thought for a few moments and then confirmed my suspicions. “I guess I’m wondering if they are going to be mean to me. I’m thinking about all the other customers that wouldn’t talk to me and I’m hoping they won’t be like that too. I’m afraid they will and I’m trying to psych myself up to speak to them anyway.”

“That’s the problem,” I said, “It’s not about what you are saying to them. It’s about what you are thinking about them.”

I suggested that she consciously change her inner dialog when approaching her customers. She needed to stop playing movies in her head with bad outcomes. Instead, as she approached her customers, I encouraged her to start imagining how much fun it would be to meet someone really interesting and fun. Imagine an enjoyable conversation with someone who has lived a very interesting life and with whom you really enjoy speaking. Then imagine that you are walking up to strike up a conversation with those very people. On top of that, imagine that you enjoy their company so much that you go out of your way to help them and really make them feel good. As a result of coming to your store and talking to you, they leave feeling great and have a much better week because you met. The sound track playing in your head should sound something like, “I wonder what fascinating stories these people have. I bet they are really fun, and kind, and interesting. I bet I can really do something to brighten their day.”

I explained to Annette that when she walks up to someone filled with thoughts of fear, and dread and loathing, somehow people pick up on those thoughts. I don’t know how it works, but people respond to your emotional state in very subtle but powerful ways. If you allow anxiety-producing images and ideas to crowd your mind, people feel the anxiety you are feeling and they move to avoid it. On the other hand, if you play mind-movies that bring you joy and love and excitement, they pick up on that as well, but they respond differently. They are attracted to you and open to talking with you.

Annette raised one skeptical eyebrow when I told her this, but since she had nothing to lose she went ahead and started following my advice. The bottom line is that in the next month she doubled her sales and began a time of tremendous success in her career. It was a strong lesson to me in the power of communication that takes place on a level outside the scope of what we typically think of as verbal and non-verbal. I have since begun to call it Meta-verbal communication. It isn’t so much that it does not involve words (non-verbal) but that it is simply outside the scope of language. It involves the way that emotion is transmitted from one person to another. It may be that this occurs by physical cues and gestures that are so subtle that we receive and interpret them completely without conscious awareness. It may be that it involves some kind of transfer of energy waves. Who knows? The nature of the mechanism is not really as important as understanding how to use it.

Annett’s story is a perfect illustration. If you want to do a better job at communicating with people – prospects, clients, friends or family, you must first be better at connecting with them emotionally. So before you start worrying about techniques for handshakes and eye contact, examine your own inner imagery and language.

* What pictures and movies are you playing about your relationships with these people?
* What phrases or stories are you telling yourself? Most of all, where is your focus?
* Are you going into a conversation absorbed in your own drama and difficulty?
* Or are you fully engaged in concern for the other person, their needs and their feelings?

This may seem trite, but the bottom line is that feeling genuine concern and compassion for others in your own mind may be more important to your relationship than anything you can say or do when you meet them. The emotions your transfer overpower your technique for establishing a relationship.

You can consciously influence these thought by:

1. Opening yourself up to the fact that every person has both a fascinating story, and a need that you can fill. Look forward to learning their story and meeting their needs.

2. Creating positive, joyful movies and pictures in your mind about learning their story and filling their need. Experience the fun in your mind before you experience it for real.

3. By telling yourself the sorts of things that will help you to see and expect the best outcome of the conversation. Carefully repeat the words that will take away your own personal anxiety

When you consistently engage in these practices, you will be amazed at how your anxiety over meeting people will dissolve, and they will welcome your company, even in a selling situation. Don’t worry too much about how it works. Just do it, and enjoy the results.

Books you may want in read about this and other topics on better communication include:

What to Say When you Talk To Yourself – Shad Helmstetter
Winning Without Intimidation : How to Master the Art of Positive Persuasion in Today’s Real World in Order to Get What You Want, When You Want It – Bob Burg

Be Free!

This article was written by David Denis owner of http://www.rocksolidwriting.com

David is a freelance writer for hire offering article writing, sales letters, training manuals, speech writing, seo content, sales writing, blog articles, copy-writing service, sales scripts and business name ideas.

To learn more, or request a quote visit http://www.rocksolidwriting.com/freelance-writer-quote