We’ve all heard it before, “Seek first to understand, then be understood”. A powerful lesson from Stephen Covey in “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” that holds true. I recently got reminded of this idea on a river.

My wife Peggy and I were in Wisconsin for a family vacation recently and decided to go on a 3 hour canoe trip with her sister and brother-in-law. Each couple had a small, rickety, rented canoe and hopped into our canoes. The weather was perfect and we were having a great time.

About an hour into our trip Peggy asked a simple request, “Can you tell me when you switch sides with your paddle?” Now, this IS a simple request. I was in the back of the canoe, and she couldn’t see me, and to keep the boat straight it is good to know what your partner is doing, BUT I was switching sides with my paddle about every two strokes so I thought that the request was ridiculous.

I felt that if I said “switch” every time I switched sides that I would be saying “switch” every ten seconds and we then would not be able to have any conversation and therefore not be able to enjoy the ride. She heard my refusal as an unwillingness to communicate and in general being a big baby.

At this point, things went downhill and the next hour of our canoe ride was not what anyone would call enjoyable. Both of us were trying to defend our point, and from my perspective the points were that she wanted me to say “switch” and I did not. And for those that have been in a relationship with anyone and there is a misunderstanding of wants/needs things can sometimes get messy.

Well…it got messy because we both got emotional about it, and in hindsight that was just silly. We eventually calmed down to the point where we decided to start over, and try and put aside our argument, mainly because we still had over an hour of canoeing left and we were not moving (in fact one of us was not even in the boat at this point).

When we both got into the boat and started going down the river again we started discussing civily what we both had been feeling and thinking throughout the exchange without jumping in and interrupting the other. What we quickly uncovered was that I had NO IDEA how to paddle in a canoe. I have kayaked many times and thought that it would work the same way and blah blah blah (NO CLUE!).

So, then I started asking questions about how I am suppossed to paddle and Peggy was able to give me a lesson on how to paddle properly, which did not involve switching sides every two strokes, and therefore did not require me to say “switch” outloud. What we then were able to do was have a very fun canoe trip down the river and I got a wonderful canoe paddling lesson in the process.

The moral of the story? Seek first to understand, then be understood. If both of us had first tried to understand what the other person was saying or doing we could have avoided a lot of pain. If I had asked “Why” she wanted me to say ”switch” then we may have uncovered much sooner that I had no idea what I was doing, and if she had asked me “Why” I was switching sides every two strokes we may unconvered it as well. (Now, Peggy did say that she didn’t want to ask because she didn’t want to hurt my feelings but I would have much prefered that shot to my ego much more than argument with my wife.)

The gift of all of this is a wonderful reminder that when someone asks us to do something that we are not interested in doing or excited about doing then ask a question WITH the intention of understanding them. And, if someone refuses a request you make, try and understand why they refuse before you move forward. Here are some reminders and tips:

Ask simple questions such as, “What do you mean exactly?”, “Why are you asking me to do that?”, “Do you mean…?”, “Are you saying…?”

Say simple things to gain clarity, “Tell me more about that.”

Pay very close attention to the non-verbal cues that you are sending when you ask these questions or say these things. The tone of your voice can sound like you are challenging the person rather than seeking understanding if you are not careful.

When you are selling, make sure that you are seeking understanding to their objections rather than looking to “win the battle” by convincing them with flashy answers. (I would still recommend thought out answers to objections, just seek to understand at the same time.)

In short, avoid assumptions about what someone else’s intentions are or what they are thinking. If you don’t agree with them, first figure out if that is true. One thing that I love about the relationship that Peggy and I have is that we are almost always moving towards the same goal and our disagreements have always come from assuming what the other was thinking or intending. Seek first to understand, then be understood and you will have much smoother rides down the river of life.

Be Free!

Tom Weber
Instructor

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